Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

This is true.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

What my back needs

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING