Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
No one can handle that
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*seductively eats two tums*