Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
🤝
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
😂😂
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying