Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
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I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
WHO DID THIS?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
True story 🤣
Everyone is so worried about preservatives in their foods. I want whatever is in hotdog buns to be in every cell in my body. That’s the real immortality.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no