Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist: