Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Quadruple digit IQ