just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
hmmm
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.