just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch