Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

this independent good boy don’t need no human

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so