Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

#MeanwhileinCanada