Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

When a shoelace touches your ankle

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

Very problematic

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?