Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

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Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another


My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??


[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?


[approaches cute girl in library]
Yo babe are you Jamaican bc you’re Jamaican a lot of noise please keep it down people are trying to read


“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.


I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.


Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.


My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.


i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play