Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You Might Also Like
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history