Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.