Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet