Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Worlds greatest photobomb

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?