Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.