Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.