Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?