Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.