Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Meowchelangelo
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[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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