Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
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*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?