Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal