Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant