Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Tapped in
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.