Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

The opposite of Iceland is water water

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD