Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*