Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
It be like that sometimes 😆
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS