Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Good advice.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
gentlemen, hear me out
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*