Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
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VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Why font matters.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.