Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Perfection.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
#ParentingFacts
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.