Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
👽
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
What’s a Messi?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
