Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
j o i m p
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
bad news gang
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”