Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.