Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Genius.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My flabber has been gasted.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
oppen heimer style lol
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape