Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
You Might Also Like
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.