Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Goat cheese is for herders.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables