Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
You Might Also Like
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
And that about sums it up.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.