Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
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A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 馃幎
Him: Mom what鈥檚 a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we鈥檙e lovers?
Stranger:馃槼
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I鈥檝e learned anything as a mom it鈥檚 to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it鈥檚 spent hoping my kids aren鈥檛 on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My battle cry is, I鈥橫 TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5鈥檚 battle cry is, I鈥橫 NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I鈥橫 KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it鈥檚 waving at the woman behind me*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I鈥檓 having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!馃槃
I don鈥檛 know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside