Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
can’t wait til they legalize outside
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.