Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!