Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.