Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…