just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast