Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.