just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
We’ve come full circle
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please