just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet