Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?