Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…