Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?