Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
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I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Just a phase…
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me