Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

When your parents check you’re ok.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

finally

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite