Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
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Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’d love this…lol
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.