Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
You Might Also Like
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Steam Forums
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”