Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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Unexpected Judgment
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
