Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly