Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
LMAO.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
