Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

The absolute effort that went into this omg

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in