Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Goodnight 🐶
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.