Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do dragons blow out candles?

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.