Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out