Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Bed should get ready for ME

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

*puts words between two asterisks*

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars