Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

giddy up Office Depot

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.