Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Damn he played himself
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
