Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s