Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

(Jupiter –

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream