Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
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When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
tfw you realize …
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”