Just why bro?!
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“Worm Regards”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.