Just why bro?!
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“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
that colleague who touches your screen
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Found my door mat
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep