Just why bro?!
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Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.