just witnessed a drug deal
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?