Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.