Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

There is no “ea” in Tim.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship