Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Follow me for more recipes

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river