Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Only you can prevent podcasts
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green