Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

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I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.


There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil


Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking


I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”


Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh


If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name


It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.


Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home