Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
normalize having existential bread
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*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]