just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
You Might Also Like
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
anyone else like Italian cereal
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.